Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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