Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
