Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
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I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
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I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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