Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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