Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
