My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I supernannyed him into submission
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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