he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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