so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize