The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
4 words: hood of his car
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Randomize
