well I can't set my house on fire every night
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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