This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
