Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
