So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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