Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
