Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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