I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
