i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.