So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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