I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
