Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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