I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
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Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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