he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Randomize
