I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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