I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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