**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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