if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
