he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
