I got chris browned last night
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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