she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Randomize
