In America we eat man semen.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
