cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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