hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
