watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
