just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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