Don't make out with my wife yet
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
