im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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