weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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