Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You are a genius and a whore.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
