I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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