I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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