Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
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He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
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Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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