you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
