My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
