So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
