bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
