I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize