Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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