so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
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