can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
