Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
