I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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