Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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