I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
