I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I don't deserve a penis
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I have aggressive nipples.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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