There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
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its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
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OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.