Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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