so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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