sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
