the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
